Is It Worth Revenge?
by morning sunlight
Summary: Sam sets out for revenge! Can Dean help him find peace?
1. The End was the Beginning

**Is Revenge Worth It?

* * *

**

**Disclaimer**

Nothing Supernatural is mine; I have borrowed for a while. I'll give them back, I promise – apart from passing a little time with them, I have made no profit from this endeavour – so please don't come looking for me.

**Summary:** Sam seeks revenge.

**Warning:** Character Death (lots of Dean and Sam angst)

**Rating: **some swearing (naughty boys! Wash their mouths out)

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Thanks to Lover of Angelus – who in a review of another story suggested that I look again at my drabbly-thing 'Just because' and think about making it into a full story. So although this is not that as such, it banished my writer's block and is taking on a life of its own._

_Let me know what you think – I know where this is going for a while, but at the moment there are two possible ways it could end and neither has resolved into something executable yet!

* * *

_

**Chapter One – The End was the Beginning**

He stared at his hands, clean now but he could still see the blood, feel it, smell it. His brother's blood had been all over his hands. He blinked and cleared his vision. He saw his hands, clean now.

His head dropped forward and he remembered the final gasp his brother had taken and how it hadn't mattered what he knew, he hadn't been able to keep him alive. And really that was all that had ever mattered, keeping his brother alive. It was why he did what he did, why he'd come back, why he'd never left again because without Sam, Dean was going to die but now he'd died anyway. It wasn't supposed to happen that way, not after everything that had gone before. But this time, there had been nothing that Sam could do to keep Dean alive. It hadn't mattered how tight he held his brother, how long he'd tried CPR, Dean had gone anyway. So now what? What was left for him?

Dean had taken down the thing that dealt the killing blow. No way, he would have let it win. Then again, that was just typical Dean. And then, he'd hung on and waited, dying moment by moment, drop by drop of precious blood. He'd waited because he had to tell Sammy something. Sam closed his eyes again, the memories were pounding at his attention, the blood, sight, touch, smell, the sound of his brother's fading voice and dying breath, echoing hollowly, repeating over and over. He wanted to shut them out but he needed more than just denial. He wanted revenge, he wanted Dean. He wanted to be whole and without Dean, he didn't know how anymore.

No one to argue with, no-one to tease, no-one to look out for and to be looked after by. No-one.

'Maybe, if you'd concentrated a little harder on staying alive bro, I wouldn't be in this position now. ' Talking to Dean, well, that was sensible. 'You think I can walk away now. I know what you said. Why didn't you concentrate on breathing, on keeping your blood inside of you instead of worrying about what I should do next? Bastard! You left me in the lurch.'

Dean watched his brother, sorrow in his eyes 'I'm sorry Sammy. I didn't want to go. I didn't mean to die.'

'I'm alone and talking to myself as if my brother is here and listening. I mean for fuck's sake Dean, you didn't listen when you were alive, why would you be listening now? You pick your dying moment to tell me to go back to my life. What life? I can't walk away from this now, not without you.'

'I always listened, little brother, I just pretended not to. I'm sorry I let you down. I never meant to ruin your life when I brought you back. If you go back, I know you, you could make it work again. Sammy, I want you to be happy.'

'Well, you know what Dean. You didn't listen to me so I'm not going to listen to you, this isn't over. He's going to pay for your death, it was his fault, you shouldn't have gone there, we should have skipped this one or made the next one wait but you wouldn't listen to me.'

'I'm sorry Sammy. Just look at me. I'm sorry. Now you have to stop. It was no one's fault but mine so you must stop.' He had to keep trying; he had to get through to his brother. All the ghosts and spirits and supernatural things they had seen and dealt with over the years and here he was dead and his brother couldn't see or hear him. Some fucking justice that was.

'He's no fucking father to us, he never has been. The way he's treated us, Dean, well I've had it with him. He's going to pay for your death, all the things you forgave him, all the times you shielded him and me, well you're not here to do that now and he's to blame for that.'

'Sammy no!' Sam turned, had he heard something, it was barely a whisper but…

Sam turned round, he was still alone and he couldn't hear anything now. Funny Dean would probably tell him he was over-tired or over-wrought or something. Too true, they'd barely stopped over the last few months, Dad had sent one set of co-ordinates after another, they'd barely reach one destination and set to work before the next set would arrive. He wasn't even waiting for them to finish a job. Dean had been exhausted on that last job, he'd driven most of the previous day, they'd spent the rest of the day researching, he'd spent the evening hustling pool because they were almost out of cash and they were running out of credit cards, he'd just sent off another set of applications, and then they'd had to go in that evening because Dad had sent a message that they urgently needed to get to some other godforsaken town and so they rushed the job without resting and only Sam had come home alive. Well it was over now, Dean was the good little soldier and Sam, well, he wasn't and John Winchester was going to regret that.

'Sammy no!' Desperation tinged the words from Dean's mouth.

'Sammy go!' Dean turned to see another figure watching his brother. The figure smiled and reached out a hand to him.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Go on review, you know you want to..._


	2. Remembering Lost Possibilities

**_Is Revenge Worth It? _**

**_

* * *

_**

_**Disclaimer :** Nothing Supernatural is mine; I have borrowed for a while. I'll give them back, I promise – apart from passing a little time with them, I have made no profit from this endeavour – so please don't come looking for me._

_**Summary:** Sam seeks revenge****_

_**Warning:** Character Death (lots of Dean and Sam angst) Plus John isn't very nice in this chapter._

_**Rating:** some swearing (naughty boys! Wash their mouths out)

* * *

**Author's Note: Please review - although I've worked out where I'm going with this, it isn't writing itself any easier. So if it's worth continuing - please - let me know.

* * *

**_

**_Chapter 2 – Remembering Lost Possibilities_**

Sam gunned the engine of the car. His brother's car. Just like everything else in his life at the moment, it was connected implicitly with Dean. He was in Dean's car, with Dean's music playing for a start and how ironic was that having spent so long complaining, now he just needed to listen to it. Sam had all of Dean's gear in the trunk and his I.Ds in the glove compartment alongside the ones that Dean had made for him. He looked down recognising that he'd even brought Dean's jacket into the front with him and knowing in his heart that if he climbed in the back, he would still be able to make out the last stains of Dean's blood on the backseat from the night with the demon, the ones that no matter how much Dean had scrubbed afterwards just wouldn't come out. Dean had been so close to dying that night, but he'd fought back promising not to leave Sam, not yet, not ever. So much for that promise, where are you now, Dean?

_Sam, I haven't left you. I'm still here as much as I can be. I didn't want this. I tried to stay. I did._

Sam was lost in a world of memories, 'Hey, we're Sam and Dean, remember what the Pastor used to say 'the gruesome twosome', but I'm the handsome one and don't you forget it.' Sam remembered how years ago, they had spent a summer staying with Pastor Jim, Dean recuperating from some injury that Sam could no longer remember the cause of and Sam still considered to young to hunt without his brother to look out for him. Dad hadn't left the trail; instead he'd left the boys. It was another ironic fact about his life that it turned out to be one of the best summers they'd had. Sam had felt almost normal as they'd begun to hang out with other kids in the neighbourhood.

He remembered the day the Pastor had dubbed them the gruesome twosome. Hanging out by the lake, they had been messing around, when he had given Dean an unexpected shove which had landed his brother flat out in the mud at the water's edge. On regaining his feet again in the slippery muck, he had grabbed his brother in a bear hug, transferring mud to his temporarily still clean sibling.

By the time they had returned to Pastor Jim's, they had both been soaked to the skin, covered in mud and laughing.

_That was a good summer, Sammy. Remember the good times, let the rest go. I don't want this to ruin you._

Sam remembered how the closer they had got to the house, the more anxious he had felt about the trouble they would be in, but how Dean had been certain that the Pastor would be cool. Dean had been right, (_of course I was),_ the Pastor had laughed, called them the gruesome twosome and generally seemed to think it was fine. He'd not even complained after the boys were cleaned up and he'd had to replace the bandages on Dean's injuries. He'd merely suggested that Dean be careful so as not to exacerbate his injuries but that it was good to see them having fun.

From there on in the nickname 'gruesome twosome' had stuck with the Pastor, but to everyone else they were still 'Sam and Dean'. They were a pair, matched, complemented, a set until Sam left for Stanford.

_Sam, don't sweat it. Stanford was the right thing at the time. It's in the past. We fixed it remember._

He wondered how things would have turned out if Dean had got his way at the end of that summer. Dean had been close to the Pastor. With hindsight, Sam could see how Dean had flourished in the Pastor's care that summer. He remembered how whilst never trying to damage the bond between them that made them 'Sam and Dean', the Pastor had attempted to make them stronger as individuals, he had encouraged Sam to invite friends his own age over or to go to their houses and had even managed to persuade Dean to hang with boys his own age. He'd tried to encourage them to see what life away from the hunt was like.

_Sam, don't go there, let it go. What ifs aren't going to change anything, Sam, please, focus on the good, you can't let this drag you down._

Sam let one hand drift from the steering wheel to rest on Dean's jacket. He could almost feel like Dean hadn't left him. _I haven't Sammy; I'm here with you always._ The memory resurfaced. The summer had been drawing to a close when Dad had returned. He had walked in one evening unannounced as Dean had been serving up dinner. That had been another bonus of the summer, as the repertoire of meals Dean could cook had widened considerably under the Pastor's tutelage.

'Dad, what are you doing here?' Sam realised that as a child he'd never recognised the disappointment in Dean's voice.

'I've come to pick you two up. Grab your stuff and we'll be off.'

'Not yet surely, John. The boys and I were about to eat so I'm sure you can sit down and join us before you all set off. We've got plenty.'

'Thank you Jim, but I'm in a rush.'

'Not that much of a rush. Trust me John, if you leave here now without eating, your boys will be starving by the time you're ten minutes down the road. The food's ready, you may as well eat here and save the time and the money of stopping later.'

'Thank you, but I don't want to impose on you any longer than the boys already have.'

'The boys have not imposed on me at all. They've been good company and have earned their keep while they've been here.'

'So we are eating then?' Dean's voice had interrupted, almost belligerent in tone as he stood saucepan in hand. A look at his face showed his profound disappointment in his father's re-appearance.

'Alright,' Dad took a seat at the table and the Pastor had reached for an extra plate, setting it down before Dean.

The meal had begun with conversation awkward and stilted as Dad had asked questions of both Sam and Dean which they had struggled to answer, unsure of their father's reaction until the Pastor had intervened, rescuing them all from the discomfit.

'The boys have had a busy time while they've been here. I've had them doing all sorts for me and then I've loaned them out to friends, neighbours and some of the church folk. We sorted out a couple of different routes, so they've both been running regularly. Dean's recovered well and is back up to speed and we've even fitted in plenty of target practice.'

'Good. Well, no doubt, you'll be pleased to get them out from underfoot. I know what they can be like bickering and rowdy when you just want a bit of peace and quiet.'

'Not at all. They've been fine.'

'Dad?'

'Mmm. Dean?'

'Can I ask you something?' his expression intent on Dad's face until hiss father had grunted acknowledgement to proceed at which point his eyes had flicked to Pastor Jim who nodded his assent also.

Sam remembered watching confused and curious, wondering where the conversation was going.

'Dad… I've been thinking, maybe Sam and I could stay with Pastor Jim and go to school here. We could hunt with you during the school holidays and stuff that's near here.' He'd looked again at the Pastor before settling his eyes back on his father.

_Sammy, he had his reasons. It wasn't as straightforward as it seemed to us. We had to go with him. We couldn't have stayed._

Not that it mattered for John Winchester didn't even look up from his plate, merely pausing between mouthfuls to say, 'Not going to happen, Dean. We're leaving this evening. You've imposed enough on Jim, he'll be glad to be rid of you.'

'On the contrary, John. I'd be more than happy to help out. The boys are welcome to stay as long as you like anytime. The schools here are good; it might not be a bad idea. It would make it easier for them to keep their grades up.'

'No. It's time they were back with me. I need Dean back out on the hunt. I've got some two men jobs lined up. It's time he pulled his weight and Sam too.'

'Dad, I don't want to hunt…' Dean began before being cut off by his father's fury.

'Dean, don't you dare say that! How could you turn your back on your mother like that? She died to protect you and your brother and you can't even be bothered to help track down her killer.'

'Dad, that's not what I meant. I was going to say that, Dean's voice had risen to frantic, frustrated further as his father refused to look at him, 'Please, just listen to me…' His father had just glared at him.

Pastor Jim had laid a hand on Dean's shoulder, calming and quieting him. He'd looked clear into the Pastor's eyes, nodded and dropped his eyes to the plate in front of him.

'John, how about you think of using this as a base of operations. It would make it easier for the boys. It's going to be important if Dean's going to graduate.'

'We can't tie ourselves down at this point. It's too important I can feel it we're closer to finding it. It won't be long now, I'm sure, Dean can worry about graduating then. If he still wants, we can consider coming back and settling here then.'

'What if it doesn't end soon?'

'Are you suggesting that we forget what happened to Mary and just settle down in some cosy house as if none of this happened?'

'No. I'm suggesting you remember what Mary wanted for her boys, instead of what you want to do to make yourself feel better.'

'You bastard! How dare you? What gives you the right to talk to me like that?'

'I'm your friend, John, and as your friend, I consider it my responsibility to tell you the truth as I see it.'

'Well, you know where you can stick your "truth", Jim. The boys and I are going. Sam, Dean, go and get your stuff now and be quick.'

Sam remembered the disappointment he'd felt when his dad had refused Dean and the Pastor's request. He'd had no idea it was coming although judging by the significant looks passed between them, Dean and the Pastor had already discussed it.

_It wasn't like that Sammy. Yeah, we'd talked about it, I had to be sure that he would have let us stay and then I wasn't supposed to tackle Dad about it like that. We were going to ease into it, give him chance to mull it over but I went in wrong, all guns blazing, my fault it all went wrong. Plus, the Pastor and I figured we'd talk to him when you weren't there, so it didn't get your hopes up, another mistake on my part.'_

Looking back, he was surprised how easy it had been to forget that there had been a time when Dean hadn't wanted to hunt. He remembered on top of everything else they'd done that summer, Dean had spent time studying trying to catch up on stuff he'd missed the previous year.

His memory moved on and Sam remembered how he had reluctantly stood and made to move away from the table to follow his Dad's instructions but Dean hadn't moved.

'Dean. Now.'

'No,' the response had been quiet but deliberate, determined.

He'd barely flinched, when his father's fist landed on the table although the movement had made both Sam and the Pastor jump. 'I said Get Your Stuff… Now Move!'

'No. I need to stay here. I need to be in school. Dad can't you see I can't do it all? I can't keep my grades up. When this is over, if I haven't finished school, I won't be able to get a decent job.'

'There'll always be things to hunt.'

'What if I don't always want to hunt? What if I want to settle down one day?'

'You'll find a job somewhere. In the meantime, you'll hunt. Now this discussion is finished, get your stuff. We are leaving.'

'Fine, you go. I'm staying.'

'Dean, maybe we…' the Pastor started to say something. He never finished as John stood filled with a feral anger and moved into Dean's space and grabbed Dean by the back of his shirt, dragging from the table.

'Sam, get the bags, now,' he shouted as he dragged Dean toward the door.

_Sam, let it go. He had his reasons. He just handled it badly. I handled it badly. I shouldn't have provoked him like that._

Dean, you know, if you can hear me, I'm sorry. I wish we could be together. I wish I could have made it right earlier. I wish you'd come with me to Stanford, or at least got out to do what you wanted. Part of me feels like you're still here with me, but you shouldn't be… you should be happy somewhere, you deserve that.'

_I am here Sam with you. I'm waiting for you, but there's no rush, it's cool, the longer the wait the better. We'll move on together when the time comes._

How stupid is it for me to sit here hand on your jacket pretending to talk to you as if you're sitting next to me. There's just this feeling that I've got that you're here but if you were, I'd know wouldn't I? It wouldn't be just a feeling. I just… Dean, right now, I feel so alone.'

_You're not alone Sam. I won't let you be alone. Just listen for me, you'll hear me. I know you will.

* * *

_

**Author's Endnote: Like I said at the outset - please let me know if it's worth continuing.**


	3. Finally, you're listening

**_Is Revenge Worth It? _**

**_

* * *

_**

**_Disclaimer_**

**_Nothing Supernatural is mine; I have borrowed for a while. I'll give them back, I promise – apart from passing a little time with them, I have made no profit from this endeavour – so please don't come looking for me._**

**_Summary: Sam seeks revenge._**

**_Warning: Character Death (lots of Dean and Sam angst)_**

**_Rating: some swearing (naughty boys! Wash their mouths out)

* * *

_**

**_Chapter 3 – Finally you're listening_**

**_

* * *

_**

'How stupid is it for me to sit here, hand on your jacket, pretending to talk to you as if you're sitting next to me. There's just this feeling that I've got that you're here but if you were, I'd know, wouldn't I? It wouldn't be just a feeling. I just… Dean, right now, I feel so alone.'

_You're not alone Sam. I won't let you be alone. Just listen for me, you'll hear me. I know you will._

The car stopped at the side of the road, Sam pulled Dean's jacket onto his lap then rested his head on the arm he had still balanced on the wheel. 'Dean I never thought it would come to this, I always thought I'd be able to walk away from him. But I can't forgive him for this, for what he did to you. He has to pay.'

'_No Sam. You have to let it go' _

Dean knew that Sam hadn't heard him. Could he? Would Sam know it was him? It was worth a try. He focused attention, energy, effort on the tape playing and… stopped it, let it play a bit more then stopped it again. Off…on…off.

_Come on Sam. It's me. Help me out here. Do you know how hard this is? God, how do those freaking poltergeists do this?_

'Dean?'

On-off. '_At last, Sammy boy.'_

'So I'm not imagining this. Right?'

On-off '_Geez, Sam. This is one hell of a conversation we're having.'_

'Are you okay?'

_Stupid question, Sam. What do you want me to say – yeah, it's great I'm dead or no I'm being tormented by my younger brother, he's still asking stupid questions. _On-off.

'Dean? How do I know whether this is yes and not no?'

_Huh! College-Boy. I can't answer that by turning the tape on and off._

'College-Boy! Dean, did you just say College-Boy?'

_Yeah Sammy I did. Please tell me you can hear me now. 'Cos it'll be so much easier to talk that way. Better than twenty questions with a tape player._

'Dean, say it again. I can almost hear what you're saying or at least I think I can.'

_Well, Wonder-Boy. Psychic, my ass! I've been talking to you since before you left that motel. You've been ignoring me for long enough. Figured it was the same as usual. You never did pay much attention. Huh!_

'I thought… I mean, I had this feeling…it was like you were there, I thought I heard you but I couldn't make it out exactly… and then… well it was like you were saying one thing and then the opposite.'

_Yeah, right. Well, don't worry about that now. Just listen up and I'll say it loud and clear now. Don't go, don't do this. What happened is done, we can't change it. Just let it go. I don't want you to ruin your life over this._

'Over this? Dean, I can't just let him get away with what he did. You're dead and where's he? He didn't even come and see you.'

_Sammy, it's not like that. He didn't want this to happen. Please let's go find somewhere for you. Stop now. I don't know. What about us heading back to Stanford? Give that Becky a call, I'm sure she'd help._

'You say that, like we're going together.'

_Well, I'm not getting out here. We're in the middle of nowhere. Why would I want to stop here?_

'Dean, you're dead.'

_No Shit, Sherlock! Did you think I hadn't noticed?_

'I don't know, Dean. You're behaving as if life can just go on as normal.'

_Okay bro. Calm down. Maybe it's not exactly 'as normal' but our life has rarely been normal by anyone else's standards. Yeah! You're right, I'm dead but I'm your brother and for now at least I will stick around and haunt your ass. I've got to make sure you look after my car after all. This Impala may look a little worn on the edges, but she's a fine car, she's done me proud_

'Dean, I don't care about the car…'

_Listen, you better start caring about the car. She took on a semi and survived, dude, this car is a marvel, a wonder of the modern world, a unique vehicle unlike any other. You had better look after her or I'll get really pissed.'_

'Fine. I care about the car. She's an amazing piece of engineering. What I was going to say was I care **more** about you.'

_Hey, I'm fine. I'm here, aren't I?_

'Yeah, but you shouldn't be. Isn't there somewhere else you should be?'

_Nowhere important. Music's good here._

'Dean?'

_So Stanford or what about that Sarah chick with the antiques. She was alright._

'Dean?'

_Leave it Sam._

'Why are you here? Why aren't you…?' Sam wasn't sure where Dean should be but here was definitely not the place.

_No rush. Thought I'd hang on for a bit._

'Can you do that?'

_Seems like._

'What's it like?'

_What?_

'You know. Being dead, what's it like?'

_Smashing. Finished with the stupid questions now? Can we get on?_

'I worry about you. You're not normal.'

_Tell me something I didn't already know. Where are we going then?_

'To find him.'

_I thought we'd already established that as a bad idea._

'No. We'd established that you think it's a bad idea. We didn't discuss what I thought.'

_Sam, please._

'Why do you want to let him get away with it?'

_It's not that. It's not about him. It's… Sam, it's over, all I want now is for you to be okay and if you do this, I don't want to even consider what it will do to you.'_

'He killed you.'

'_No he didn't. I did. It was my decision. I just consider it lucky that I didn't get you killed as well.'_

'It wasn't like that.'

_Hmmmph! I could have said no. I could have stopped. I could have taken more time. You told me often enough. I didn't listen and take notice._

'You pick now to work out that I knew what I was talking about.'

_I knew._

'You do realise that saying things like that will only make me feel more pissed off, don't you?'

_What was I going to do if I stopped? How could I have lived with myself if people got killed and I hadn't tried to stop whatever it was?_

'What about all the ones who'll get killed now, now you're not here to sort it out ever? I understood. I didn't expect you to stop, just to slow down a bit, take care of yourself.'

_Sorry._

'Sorry! You're sorry! For Fuck's sake, Dean. Sorry doesn't cut it. You're dead!'

_Yeah and if I'd known… well it's too late for that Sam. Just know this, I'd do it differently if I could but I know that what happened it wasn't Dad's fault, it was mine. The decisions were mine. Anyway, it's time you started looking for somewhere to sleep tonight so you'd better get your sorry ass into gear and get moving._

'Fine but this isn't finished.'

_It never is with you. We passed a motel about 10 miles back._

'We'll keep going for the next one.'

_It's the wrong direction and trust me the next one is miles further and it's a real dive – absolutely disgusting. You really do not want to stay there. Hell, it's that bad, I'm dead and I don't want to stay there._

'Dean, I get what you're saying. We'll just have to keep driving until we reach the one after.'

_My car, my rules._

'Dean, you're dead, what exactly do you think you're going to do about… argh, Dean stop it.' The engine roared to life and the wheel began to turn beneath Sam's hands.

_Do you know I think I'm really getting the hang of this now?_

'Dean, stop it.'

_When I started it was hard just to turn the tape on and off but it's just a matter of learning how to focus. _

The engine roared again and Dean laughed.

'Okay, okay. We'll go back to the last one although I don't see what difference it makes to you.'

They drove in silence until they reached the motel. 'I'm just going to check in.'

_Good idea Sam. I'll just wait here for now, shall I?_

'Yeah sorry. I'll be…. I'm going…' Sam climbed out of the car and headed for the reception.

* * *

**_Author's note: Please, please review. I'm posting this because of the number of people who have put it on alert, not the number of reviews, which actually make me think it can't be very good!_**


	4. As if one ghost wasn't enough!

**_Is Revenge Worth It? _**

**_

* * *

_**

**_Disclaimer_**

**_Nothing Supernatural is mine; I have borrowed for a while. I'll give them back, I promise – apart from passing a little time with them, I have made no profit from this endeavour – so please don't come looking for me._**

**_Summary: Sam seeks revenge._**

**_Warning: Character Death (lots of Dean and Sam angst)_**

**_Rating: some swearing (naughty boys! Wash their mouths out)

* * *

_****_Chapter 4 – As if one ghost wasn't enough!_**

Dean looked up as Sam headed away across the car park. He sighed. Sam was never one to give in easily and Dean was tired. He'd got more control than when he started over the things around him and having got Sam's attention, he seemed to have triggered some connection between them so they could actually talk and not just communicate through the on-off of the tape player and boy was that a relief. He was grateful that Sam hadn't realised that he could either rev the engine or turn the wheel but he couldn't actually do both at the same time, otherwise they might still be heading for the other motel. The other reprieve had been Sam taking him at his word about the next motel being a dive. In truth, Dean had no idea where the next motel was or what it was like, but he'd achieved his objective, Sam had turned round and stopped the desperate onward plunge towards his father. He had time, not much, but at this point every little was going to count.

He closed his eyes to rest and wait for Sam to return.

* * *

As Sam walked across the car park heading for the motel office, he cast a look back over his shoulder at the Impala. It looked empty. Stupid really, what was he expecting? He couldn't see Dean when he was in the car, why would he be able to see him from half way across the car park?

_Sam, Sam, listen to me._

He turned round. It didn't sound like Dean and he couldn't see anyone. There was something distinctly feminine about the voice. He turned back to the motel entrance.

_Sam, stop! Listen to me. You mustn't stop here, you need to keep driving._

'What? Why? Dean was right, I'm tired I need to rest, we're here now. I'll continue in the morning.'

_No Sam, now! Dean is wrong, he means well, but he doesn't know what he's talking about. He's been turned; you know what he's like? Daddy's good little soldier. He's just trying to protect him. He doesn't care about you, Sam. He's just trying to stop you doing what you need to do. You need to do this, you'll feel better afterwards. You need to tell him to leave you alone and you need to keep driving._

'No, Dean wouldn't. I don't, can't believe that. Dean has always cared about me, that's been part of his problem. He cares too much, he puts everyone else first.'

_Sam, I said NO! You mustn't stop here. You mustn't listen to Dean anymore. He's just trying to stop you! Sam, go!_

'I…I…' Sam was at a loss, what should he do? 'Who are you?'

_It's me, Sam. I've been waiting for so long for you, watching you, looking out for you, waiting until you were ready to recognise that I was here, my baby. I love you, Sammy; I want what's best for you. Listen to me._

'Mom?'

_Let's go, Sammy. Come on, we'll go find him. We'll put this all right. It will be better afterward. It'll be better for Dean this way. We'll make him understand when it's over._

'I can't drive with him in the car. He'll turn the car round. He tried it before.'

_No Sam, not yet he won't. He's not strong enough yet. Just convince him to let you go, tell him you're going to talk. Just go Sam. It has to be soon._

'Can't you help? Can't you tell him? He'll listen to you. Help him to understand,' he knew he wouldn't be able to convince Dean he was going to talk, Dean knew him too well to fall for that one.

_Dean won't listen to me. He's not open, he's your father's son, he's all torn up in trying to please your father. He was lost to me years ago. He was always a Daddy's boy._

'Dean? He was a good soldier for Dad, but it was about you. All he's ever wanted was to put it right for you, to make Dad happy for you, to look after me because you couldn't. When was the last time you tried to speak to him?'

_You can do it, Sam, convince Dean, go and see your father. It's all in your hands to put right. He did it, it was his fault. Your brother deserved better. You can give meaning to his death._

Sam shook his head as if to clear away the confusion that he was hearing. 'I'll stop here because I am tired, Dean's right I do need to rest. It'll give me a chance to talk to him, explain to him. You can help, we'll talk to him together, we'll make him understand.'

_He won't listen to me. Promise me Sam, if you stop tonight, you'll leave first thing, early in the morning, whatever Dean says. Don't tell him we've been talking, he doesn't understand yet. You mustn't say anything to him about me. Two promises Sammy, please. _

'Promise you? Why do you need me to promise?'

_Promise Sam. I have to go. I'll be back though; I'm always watching you, my lovely boy._

He could feel her absence as she soon as she had gone. It didn't feel right, her insistence, her need for promises, promises without questions, without explanation but with the need to keep them secret from Dean. He walked through to the motel entrance.

* * *

It didn't take long to get a room and he headed back to the car and Dean. What was he going to do? How was he going to convince him? Could he tell him about Mom? Why was Mom so adamant that he go to his father and Dean equally obstinate that he not go? What was going on that he hadn't worked out?

_Geez, dude. You took your time._

'Yeah, sorry Dean. I'm going to pull the car over nearer to the room. Are you coming in? Do I need to open the door for you or…?'

_Don't need the door, just tell me which room. Mind you I could have some fun seeing what the neighbours are up to!_

'Dean you really are disgusting, do you know that? And you haven't got any better since you died.'

_Whoa! Buddy! I was kidding. I really don't want to know what they're up to. It's a joke. Feeling a tad tense there, little brother?_

'I'm tired Dean, I need some sleep. Okay, you were right. I don't need to be driving any further tonight, what I need is a bed. I'm fed up of this. I didn't want this. I didn't want you to be dead and to be chasing round the country looking for Dad. I didn't want … I wanted something different for my life and yours. So just shut up and let me be for now.'

_Sorry Sam._

Sam looked over at where he was assuming his brother was sitting; it was certainly where his voice seemed to be coming from. He had heard the sorrow in Dean's voice and he felt guilty for snapping at him. 'Dean, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I'm just…'

There was no answer. Sam had no way of knowing for sure whether Dean was there or… somewhere else entirely. He hoped he was okay, hoped he hadn't actually upset Dean so much that he had left. It was strange, outside in the car park, he'd known when his Mom had left but in here he couldn't tell with Dean. More irony, he didn't know Mom but could tell when she was there, Dean he knew at times better than he knew himself, but couldn't tell whether he was here with him or not. He consoled himself with the thought that maybe it was because he was in the Impala that was so much a part of Dean; the two were fused together in spirit in some way.

He parked up, grabbed his bag and walked over to the room door. He pushed the door, finding it unlocked and walked in dropping the latch behind him.

_I opened the latch, but the door was too heavy. I'm going to leave you to get some sleep. I'll go for a walk and…_

'Dean, wait. I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I'm just frustrated and I don't understand what's going on with you?'

_Okay, I'm going to let you get some sleep now. _

'Dean… please… wait. Can we talk?'

_I've got nothing to talk about with you right now, Sammy. And you're tired; you said you wanted to sleep. So you'd better lie down._

'Dean…'

_Later, Sam._

Sam sighed, he felt alone now. Dean was probably out taking that walk. He hadn't meant to snap and now he needed to make up for hurting Dean. If there was one thing he knew for sure it was that Dean hadn't deserved that particular outburst.

_Sam, don't worry. Dean won't go far. He won't leave you. He'll be here when you wake up, talk to him then._

'Mom? Where is he?'

_He's gone for a walk like he said. Trying to cool off that horrible temper of his. Not like you, you know how to listen to your mom. Talk to him when you wake up. Sleep now, baby._

There was nothing else to be done. He had no way of finding Dean, short of trawling the streets with an EMF detector and even then he might not find him. Dean was smart he'd be able to avoid being found if that was what he wanted, in fact it would be easier for him to avoid being found than it was before when he was alive. He gave in, got ready for bed and lay down. Sleep came, but not immediately, he tossed restlessly for a while before finally giving in.

* * *

**_Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far. So what do you all think of this new chapter? Again, I'm grateful for any constructive criticisms._**


	5. A fresh start in the morning

**_Is Revenge Worth It? _**

**_

* * *

_**

_**Disclaimer:** Nothing Supernatural is mine; I have borrowed for a while. I'll give them back, I promise – apart from passing a little time with them, I have made no profit from this endeavour – so please don't come looking for me._

_**Summary:** Sam seeks revenge._

_**Warning:** Character Death (lots of Dean and Sam angst)_

_**Rating:** some swearing (naughty boys! Wash their mouths out)_

**_

* * *

_**

Author's Note: Thank you to the kind people who have reviewed so far. Further constructive comments are appreciated.

* * *

Chapter 5 – A fresh start in the morning

_Awww! Come on Sam, wake up! How long you gonna stay sleeping?_

Light was actually seeping through the window, but the likelihood of it waking Sam up was minimal given that saying it was 'seeping' was almost an exaggeration when you looked at the dismal weather and combined it with the thick layers of grime and filth covering the window. In fact, as Dean stood at the window trying to see out, it was difficult to make out what was happening outside. It was in reality easier to walk through the wall to find out. Mind you, given the amount of dirt on the walls and windows of this particular motel, he didn't fancy walking through the layers of filth, which was odd really because so far he hadn't found anything that seemed to effect him, but he had never liked it when he got sick and he didn't want to catch some ghostly equivalent if there were such a thing.

He'd had to come in that way last night as it was because Sammy had done as he'd been told and had gone to bed. He'd tried showing off earlier by opening the door, well unlatching it anyway, hadn't quite managed the opening part yet but… well he could have another try at that now, Sam would be sure to wake up then. It was fortunate that Sam hadn't actually salted the doors and windows or he'd have been stuck outside all night – hadn't thought of that until he was on the other side of town. He'd have to start thinking like a ghost and not like… like he had done for years.

He flopped down in the chair and concentrated. The TV came on and he flicked through the channels until he came to something he could happily sit and ignore. He leant back and closed his eyes for a minute.

_What are you doing here? _Dean said_ I thought I told you to leave us be at the last motel. _He opened his eyes and turned to look at the other figure in the room. _He's sleeping so leave him be. It's taken me ages to train him into sleeping again without nightmares and me dying won't have helped._

_You were trying to wake him up before._

_None of your business. We'll be along to see you eventually, you just don't know anymore. It won't be long or I won't but he's not going to come with me or not straight away. You know it wasn't that long ago that you would have known you didn't want this._

_Dean, baby, Please listen to me. It'll make him feel better and then we can be together again, all of us, as a family._

_You know something. I'm not even sure you are my Mom. The last thing she would have wanted was for Sammy to be dead, hell I don't even believe she would have wanted Dad to go before his time, but you…_

_Dean, it's been so long. I've been waiting for so long alone. I want my family._

_Well you know what. This isn't the way to get it. Mom, I love you, I always have, I always will but what you're suggesting… it isn't right. We won't be together if Sammy does what you say and I'll go with him wherever._

_I don't want to be alone anymore, Dean._

_Mom, I'm here. Can't that be enough for now? You're not alone now, you've got me. We can look out for them both, make sure they're safe. Mom, can't I be enough just for now? _He could hear the desperation in his own voice. He didn't want to examine it too closely, but couldn't help it when he did. Was he worried that he just wasn't good enough for his Mom or was it desperation to save Sam and Dad? One thing for sure, it sucked.

_We could be a family, Dean. You remember how much you want family?_

_Stop Mom. I'm not going to help you bring them to us any quicker. I will try to stop you. I make you this offer, I will wait with you, only going to watch over them, keep them safe. I will wait with you for as long as you want and you leave them alone and don't try to bring them quicker or I walk away and I try to protect them from you and your family will never be complete._

_Dean, can you help me? Help me! I've been so alone for so long and I just don't know…Dean…I can't manage on my own anymore._

_Mom._ He rose and took her in his arms, comforting her, soothing her loneliness, hoping he could help her find her way again.

Both sets of eyes turned to Sam as he began to stir, gradually wakening. Dean and Mary stepped apart slowly, her fingertips grazed their way along his, she touched his cheek and walked through the door. Dean spared her one lingering look before turning his attention back to Sam.

_Morning Sleeping Beauty! Rested and raring to go now are we? I thought I'd let you drive today, you know. Do we know where we're heading? Have you decided?_

'Dean? It's a relief, you're back. I was worried about you last night. I'm sorry about what I said, it was just…'

_Sammy, enough. We were both grumpy as old men, we'd spent the day cooped up in the Impala and much as I love her, sometimes even I need a little more space and a leg stretch, dude. We're okay. So today?_

'Dean, thanks. I was thinking maybe I could go talk to Dad.' Sam was pulling clothes on as he spoke and throwing discarded items back into his duffle bag.

_No deal._

'What? Why not? I only want to talk.'

_You always were a lousy liar, Sam. I am not going to let you go anywhere near him until I know you're alright and right now, you no more want to talk to him than I want to... go and see Missouri._

'Very funny. You and Missouri had made up.'

_Oh sure! And she's gonna be fine with me being dead, the insults she came up with when I was alive were bad. What do you think she'll have to say now? Plus she might decide to exorcise me and I'm not ready to be exorcised, I'm staying put. The woman has a mean old tongue on her and she keeps it in practice with me, not you, so… I rest my case._

'Okay no Missouri.'

_No Dad!_

'Fine, for now, but we could head that way then I'll be in the area when you change your mind.'

_Sam, have you been talking to anyone other than me?_

'Anyone other than you? Like who? The motel check-in guy? I didn't even stop for anything to eat last night. Which reminds me, I'm hungry. Are you going to wait here or come with me to find some food?'

_Answer the question first._

'Dean, who would I have been talking too?'

_Stop deflecting._

'Well, same to you.'

_Mom._

'Mom. Right, why would I have been talking to Mom?' he kept his voice even, so Dean knew she was around, it was no big deal. If he had to ask, he obviously wasn't certain that Sam could talk to her.

Dean recognized the even tone of voice that Sam used when he was hiding something but the biggest give away had been the way his eyes had widened when Dean had said Mom.

_We need to talk about that._

'What? What do we need to talk about?'

_Your conversation with Mom. She and I spoke before you woke up, she's changed her mind, and she agrees with me, you shouldn't be going after Dad. I'll explain more later but we need to decide where we are going to head and we can talk about it over breakfast, so come on, Lazy Bones._

Sam shook his head and opened the door, shoving the key and his wallet in his pocket as he walked through.

_Hold up dude, let me out too._

'I thought you could go through doors and stuff now. Why am I holding the door for a ghost?'

_Sam, look at the filth on the door, window and wall. Would you want to walk through that? I feel positively contaminated every time I have to go through the grime. Remind me to ask Mom if I can catch any ghostly sicknesses from stuff like that._

Sam smiled with affection. 'You are one strange guy, Dean. In all the years of hunting, have we ever come across a ghost with a cold or a bug?'

_Not obviously so, no. But then did you ever stop to ask them? Or had we filled them with rock salt before it became apparent?_

He couldn't help himself, he had to laugh. It was good to have Dean around. He wasn't in any hurry to exorcise him or have anyone else exorcise him either, so maybe for now it was better not to go and see Dad in case he didn't see it the same way.


	6. Mother and Sons

**Is Revenge Worth It?

* * *

**

**Disclaimer**

Nothing Supernatural is mine; I have borrowed for a while. I'll give them back, I promise – apart from passing a little time with them, I have made no profit from this endeavour – so please don't come looking for me.

**Summary:** Sam sets out revenge.

**Warning:** Character Death (lots of Dean and Sam angst)

**Rating: **some swearing (naughty boys! Wash their mouths out)

* * *

**_Author's Note: Constructive criticism welcome and gratefully received. Thank you all for reading and for those who have reviewed so far, thank you doubly._**

* * *

**Chapter 6 – Mother and Son**

Another motel, a solid day's drive away, and finally Sam had given into Dean's demand to stop for food and rest. Now having showered, he was drifting away to sleep with the sound of the TV playing in the background. The familiarity of it soothed him. Dean sat watching the TV while Sam slowly relaxed and unwound. He could almost believe it was just like normal. There was only really one thing that had changed. Dean.

It was funny even though Dean had said there was no need he'd got a room with two beds. They'd had an argument about the waste of money – it wasn't like Dean was actually going to sleep in it. He seemed quite happy to just sit in a chair and wait for Sam to wake up, but Sam felt better with a bed for him to sprawl on.

'Dean?'

'_Hmmm.'_

'Where are you sitting now?'

'_Sam, you're supposed to be sleeping, not worrying about where I am and what I'm doing. Don't stress, I'm just catching up on a bit of TV, there's a re-run of 'Firefly' later, so I'll watch that and then when you wake up I'll still be here.'_

'But **where** here are you? I don't want to trip over you or anything.'

'_You won't. Don't worry. I'll move my ass before I let you walk through me because that is just one creepy ass idea of being walked through, ugh! And you won't trip anyway, nothing to trip on here. I am officially incorporeal right now. Listen, I'm on the bed as you've got one and I'm out of the way so just get some sleep, right?'_

'Right.'

The minutes ticked by, Sam drifted towards sleep again, before another thought crossed his mind, 'Dean?'

'_You're still supposed to be sleeping bro.'_

'I know. Just I wanted to ask you something and I don't want to leave it until I wake up and risk forgetting.'

'_O.K., there's no inheritance, just the Impala and the guns and you've got them already.'_

'That wasn't the question, but there was your ring and pendant too, I kept them. I hope you don't mind, I wanted something that reminded me of you for always. The guns were just like, it was like they weren't really you, or not the you I wanted to remember most, they were, I don't know, tools of the trade, I suppose. The Impala is not going to last forever, particularly without you to look after her; she doesn't love me like she loved you. I think she puts up with me and how weird is it to talk about your car like that. And as for the other stuff, they just seemed…'

'_Hey, no worries. My old body certainly doesn't need them and Sam, if we'd had more time I'd have given them to you anyway. Time just flew by and there was so much I wanted to tell you, I didn't get round to half of it.'_

'You could tell me now.'

'_You wanted to ask me something and you should be sleeping. So another time with the other stuff.'_

'Yeah. I was wondering, before you said you were talking to me and I wasn't listening. Why couldn't I hear you? If I can hear you now, why can't I see you? '

'_I don't know Sammy. I don't know why. I can't work out what's going on with us. I know I kind of thought I didn't want to leave you and that I was going to stay and watch over you, I was kind of determined but I don't remember **doing** anything to make it actually happen. As far as you and I being able to talk, it was like as soon as you knew I was there, you started being able to hear me. Could you see Mom when she was talking to you?'_

'No. I wasn't sure that it was her at first. Is it?'

'_Yeah. Look I'll try and work it out some more. You get some sleep. You'll be doing the driving tomorrow unless we want to try getting arrested for you sleeping in the passenger seat and letting the car drive itself and I can't spring you from jail anymore either.'_

Sam nodded and yawned, 'You're probably right and I am kind of tired. G'night Dean.'

'_Rest easy, little brother.'_

Dean watched as Sam's eyes closed again, he waited until his breathing eased out, deep and even as he relaxed into sleep.

'_So Mom, you okay?' _Dean's eyes lifted from his brother to regard the figure stood by the door.

'_Yes. He sleeps like he did when he was a baby.'_ She walked forward coming to stand over the bed watching her youngest, grateful for the opportunity to watch him and for the fond memory it brought back. It had been so long since she could remember the good things, rather than just flames and pain.

'_I know. I wish he slept like that all the time. He gets terrible nightmares sometimes. It gets so bad, he won't even try to sleep. I always wished I could stop them somehow.'_

She could hear the sadness in his voice. '_You looked after him. You did well, Dean. You were only young.'_

'_No. Not well enough. I promised I'd protect him but I didn't manage it, not well enough.'_

'_When did you become so unforgiving, baby?' _She sat on the bed next to him. Her hand reached out to stroke his hair, smooth his cheek.

He looked up into her eyes and all she could see in his were the depths of his loneliness and despair. She knew those feelings; she had been here so long on her own, waiting. '_Hey Mom. You're not on your own anymore. I'm here.'_

She took him in her arms and held him. '_I'm sorry Dean. It's been so long, I've forgotten so much. I could only remember the flames and I thought if you were here with me, it would help.'_

He could feel the hitch as she spoke, the pain inside. He understood. '_We'll be fine now Mom. I'll help you remember what we had.' _He felt her nod against him._ 'We could protect them together. Like you did in Lawrence, do you remember that?'_

'_Dean, I've always loved you, you know that, don't you? I know you think I left to protect Sam, but I loved you too. Nothing changes that. I remember that, it's why I wanted you all to join me. I wanted us all to be the family we were supposed to be. Not the pieces that we had become.'_

'_It's okay Mom. I'm glad you saved Sam, I wish you hadn't had to die, but I understand I'd do the same.'_

'_You did.'_

'_No, that was just a mistake. It was the only way to put it right. I couldn't let him die because I'd fucked up.'_

'_Sssh. You were a good boy. You used to smile so much, and laugh. You don't do that anymore. I remember when we used to sing to Sammy, until he went to sleep.'_

'_Yeah, I used to sing like that to him even after you'd gone. It helped him sleep then too. It made me feel better too, like you were still with us. Then he started to grow up and the singing didn't work anymore. There were so many things that we did when you were alive, that changed without you.'_

'_You mean your father?'_

'_Not exactly, but yeah, he changed, he couldn't help it. He still loved us, Mom, just not how he had before you died. Did you try to talk to us? Was I not listening carefully enough? Mom?'_

'_Sammy was right, you deflect and steer the conversation away from what you don't want to talk about every bit as much as he does. Anyway, I'll answer that as best as I can. Not at first. I wasn't as strong as you, Dean; it was all I could do to wait for you all. I couldn't talk to you or visit you, I could just watch. Then somehow, I got pulled back to the house to each new family that moved in and the evil there. I found myself trying to stop it hurting them, like we'd been hurt but I couldn't even watch you anymore, then my boys came to me and set me free. I could watch again, but it was harder, there were so many things I forgot about why I was waiting and watching. I knew I needed to watch you all but I couldn't remember who you were half the time, I kept getting confused, it was as if when I went with the poltergeist from the house, that my memories got torn, it took some of them and then I just felt so lonely and I came to believe that I needed you all with me, that then I would find the answers, the missing pieces. Dean, you've brought back so many memories, being able to hold you like this. I'm sorry.'_

'_We're okay now, Mom. We'll fix it, I'll help you remember and you can help me stop him going after Dad, right?'_

'_Yes, I'll help you now Dean. I'll wait with you, we'll be together now and we'll wait for them. But not soon… we'll wait until it's their time…'_

'_That's right. We'll wait.'_


	7. Sometimes talking helps

**_Is Revenge Worth It? _**

**_

* * *

_**

**_Disclaimer: _**_Nothing Supernatural is mine; I have borrowed for a while. I'll give them back, I promise – apart from passing a little time with them, I have made no profit from this endeavour – so please don't come looking for me._

_**Summary: **Sam starts out looking for revenge, but Dean has something to say about that._

_**Warning:** Character Death (lots of Dean and Sam angst)_

_**Rating:** some swearing (naughty boys! Wash their mouths out)_

_**

* * *

** _

_**Author's Note:** Apologies for delay in posting - haven't been able to post anything since Chapter 6 went up but site seems to be friends with me again and seems to be letting me post - thank you to whoever helped with that. Thanks to those people who have left reviews. I'd appreciate feedback on this and chapter 8 which I will post later today - not sure if I've rounded the story up right or not, so constructive feedback would be gratefully received.

* * *

__**Chapter 7 – Sometimes talking helps**_

Dawn came slowly as Dean watched the world awaken outside the window, Mom had called him strong, being able to be with Sam and talk to him but he wasn't so sure. He realised that if he went any distance from Sam, he lost touch with his edges, felt like maybe he was dissipating. Maybe it wasn't about him at all. Maybe he wasn't here because this was where he wanted to be but rather because Sam wanted him here. Not that it mattered; he wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else. It was just good to know, you know, just in case. After all, maybe it meant if Sam got fed up and didn't want him around anymore, he would actually go and then what?

Mom had gone again. They'd talked for ages last night. Funny he thought she seemed better at the end of it. He was surprised at the way it seemed to work, for everything he'd reminded her of it seemed to have triggered other memories that she had then told him about. They'd talked about bringing Sam home for the first time from the hospital, the new house in Lawrence, playing with Sam, singing to Sam, favourite stories that he had read to Sam after she had gone. She had seemed to be vibrating, ready to spin out of control at first but the longer they'd talked the more together she seemed to become, calmer, more like the Mom he remembered which could only be a good thing. She'd promised to return later after Sam woke to help persuade him not to go after Dad. He felt better about that as well.

He wondered where she went when she wasn't here. Was she with Dad? Did she know about the sort of stretched feeling? Maybe she could explain it to him. So many questions, no answers. Dean thought how 'up' he'd felt yesterday, surprising considering he'd just died but now he didn't feel right at all, lost came into it, but didn't begin to cover it.

Sam stirred on the bed behind him. He looked over his shoulder, registered 'not awake yet', then turned back to the world outside. Sam had slept well. All this time of nightmares, of both of them sleeping badly waiting for the next one to hit and now Dean was surprised at the vague sense of hurt he felt that he'd died and Sam seemed to be sleeping better than ever. What did that say about him?

'Dean?' Half asleep still, but definitely moving now.

'_Yeah, I'm here.'_

'You okay?'

'_Course. What could be the matter? You?_'

'I slept well.'

'_I noticed.'_

'I was thinking about you.'

'_What?'_

'How when I was a kid, I used to climb into your bed and you'd hold me until I fell asleep. I used to pretend that you stayed awake all night watching, keeping me safe. It was kind of like that last night, knowing you were awake, watching, looking out for me.'

'_Always, Sam.'_

'Bit old for the same bed bit now.'

'_Too tall, bro, too tall.'_ Dean wondered if somehow Sam had known what he'd been thinking. _'You getting up?'_

'Yeah, you?'

'_Already am. Just watching the world go by.'_

'Anything interesting?'

'_No. Nice day though weather wise, I'd guess. You going to get ready? We all need to talk.'_

'All?'

'_Mom's… Mom's coming round in a bit.'_

'Dean, you okay?'

'_Course.'_

'You're quiet this morning, kind of subdued.'

'_Sam, don't worry. I'm just getting used to this whole 'being a ghost' gig. Don't worry.'_ But Sam could tell it lacked conviction. Dean was not himself right now but Sam had to admit, dying would take some getting used to, so maybe Dean was off just now, but he would be fine when he got used to it.

'Where is she?'

'_Don't know. But she came by when you were asleep and she said she'll come back. Get a shift on.'_

'What time?'

'_No idea – after you woke up she said.'_

'Right, shower then.'

Dean went back to watching through the window.

* * *

Dean watched as Sam left in search of breakfast, Mom hadn't come round yet, so he figured he could go get something to eat. Dean said he'd stay. He didn't really feel like going out, he didn't really feel like doing anything. Even the world outside the window had lost its appeal, but he didn't move, just remained standing at the window staring aimlessly out. 

'_Dean?'_

'_You're back?'_

'_What's the matter, honey?'_

'_When you're not here, where do you go?'_

'_All over.'_

'_Why am I here?'_

'_You're with Sammy.'_

'_It's Sam now, Mom. He grew up and didn't like Sammy anymore. Why though, why am I with him?'_

'_I thought this is where you wanted to be?'_

'_Yeah, I do, but why did I get it?'_

'_What do you mean, baby?'_ She stepped forward putting her hand on his shoulder drawing his attentionback from the window and turning him to face her. She led him to sit down on the bed and sat opposite him watching as his eyes trailed round the room restlessly.

_'__Sam's gone for breakfast.'_

'_I saw him go. I've been watching you, Dean. You've been at the window for hours. What's the matter?'_

'_Sam will be back soon.'_

'_No. He won't. I spoke to him. I told him to give us some time. He's worried about you today.'_

'_I'm fine.'_

'_No, you're not. What are you worrying about? You don't change, baby, when you were little, you had this little frown when you were thinking hard. It's still there.'_ She ran her finger across his forehead as if to smooth out the frown lines.

Dean stood, heading back to the window.

'_Dean, talk to me.'_

'_Am I here because it's what I want or is it because it's what Sam wants?'_

'_Baby, it's what you both want.'_

'_So what happens when he doesn't need me anymore? Where do I go then?'_

'_You'll come with me.'_

'_Mom? When I'm not with Sam, I don't feel right. I feel like I can't find my edges. I just sort of spread thinner and thinner. I feel things and I don't think it's me that's feeling it really. I get confused.'_

'_Ssh! Dean, it's okay. It'll be fine.'_

'_Am I just going to go…?'_ Dean waved vaguely out into the emptiness beyond the window. He turned the full force of his gaze on his mother's ghost. _'Without Sam…'_ she could feel and hear the fear he exuded.

'_Dean, give me your hands. I can help you._' She smiled as he held one hand out, she took it in her own and watched as he put the other on the window and his gaze drifted that way. '_No, Dean, I need both hands and I need you looking at me.'_

His hand dropped from the window to his side, Mary grasped it to her. '_Dean, look at me, think of me. Think of good things we used to do. You and me together.'_ She saw a flicker of confusion until he settled on a memory. _'No sweetheart, that memory's no good for this. I liked it when we tucked Sammy up but you need something that's just you and me.'_

The confusion was back in his face. _'Just for this, Dean, you and me, no Sam.'_ She could see him try again. His features calmed as another memory began to play out. She smiled, she remembered that day at the park when his persistence had finally paid off and he'd managed to scale to the very top of the castle-shaped climbing frame alone. It had taken weeks of effort. He'd overcome his fear of heights, his fear of falling. On each visit to the park, he'd made it a little bit higher on his own. _'I remember that, Dean, it was a good day. I was so proud of you but that won't do.'_

'_Why not?' _the growled response was almost irritable.

'_Just look what happened when you got to the top.' _

The memory rolled on, he reached the top, got his balance. Dean could remember the exhilaration and turning to shout down, _'Sammy, Mom, look at me. Sammy, I've done it.'_

'_Sam,'_ he whispered.

'Yes. Think further back before Sam was born.'

She followed as his thoughts settled on another happy memory. It was another good one but still no good. She remembered it had been the moment she realised that Dean was going to be a great big brother. She had nothing to worry about; he wasn't going to be jealous or nasty. He'd be able to share. _'Dean, no Sammy, remember.'_

'_There is no Sammy, it was Dad's birthday, and we were making a cake. You hadn't had Sam then.'_

'_Do you remember we talked about him coming?'_

'_Did we?'_

'_You asked me if I ate the cake, would the baby taste it too and should we put extra sprinkles on for the baby.'_

'_It was a stupid question.'_

'_No, it wasn't. That was the day I knew you'd be great as a big brother.'_

'_He was kicking you.'_

'_Babies do that.'_

'_That was what you said then, I…' his head dropped._

'_You put your hand where his foot was and told him not to kick so hard because…'_

'_Because you were a special Mommy and we had to look after you.'_ She saw his features crumble, his hands snatched back, covering his face as his body slumped to the floor. He sat against the end of the bed, knees drawn up, arms on top, head resting on them.

'_Dean, come here.'_

'_Leave me.'_

'_No. Let me help.'_

'_You can't.'_

'_Dean.'_

'_Leave me. Go.'_

'_No. I won't do that. I won't leave you here like this.'_

'_Why not? I don't deserve you staying.'_

'_Dean, why would you say that? It's not true.'_

'_You all left me and Mom,' _his pain-filled eyes came up to look at her as his voice dropped to a whisper, _'I don't remember anything else. I made it up to tell Sam, to tell him what a Mom was like; I don't remember what was true anymore.'_

She took him in her arms and rocked him gently. _'I'm sorry, Dean. Let me help, let me remind you.'_ She thought back to days spent in the garden, playing ball, times spent curled up together with a favourite book, shopping trips for Christmas presents, making sandwiches together and picking the fillings out and shared those memories with her eldest son. Yesterday, he had rescued her from a brink she hadn't realised she'd reached, stopped her becoming something she never wanted to be and today, she tried to heal a lifetime of hurt and loss and rebuild her son, give him back the strength she had seen in him.

Eventually, she felt him relax, the tension easing from his body.

'_I wasn't sure…'_

'_You had so much to do Dean, you were so little. I understand. Now you know for sure what it was like, why it was so good.'_

'_Thank you.'_

'_Now, listen to me. Whenever you need to come to me, when you feel like you're spreading too thin, think about one of those memories, hold it real tight in your mind and don't get distracted. It will bring us together.'_

'_If I do, will I be able to come back here to Sam too?'_

'_Always, Dean. Even if Sam doesn't need you anymore, you can come check he's okay. Same with Dad, just think of them. But remember, I'll always see you, I'll always talk to you, now I can always be here for you.'_

'_You're telling me Dad won't see or hear me and that this is just a passing thing with Sam.'_

'_With your Dad probably. He was never good at listening to us when we were alive, was he?'_ She was pleased to see the corner of his lips quirk into a smile, _'I don't know about Sam, he's different. The two of you together make it different.'_


	8. The Healing Influence

**_Is Revenge Worth It? _**

**_

* * *

_**

**_Disclaimer : _**_Nothing Supernatural is mine; I have borrowed for a while. I'll give them back, I promise – apart from passing a little time with them, I have made no profit from this endeavour – so please don't come looking for me. Some quotes taken directly from season 1._

_**Summary:** Sam seeks revenge but Dean tries to talk him out of it._

_**Warning:** Character Death (lots of Dean and Sam angst). **Also spoilers for season 1 in the final chapter**_

_**Rating: **some swearing (naughty boys! Wash their mouths out)

* * *

__**Chapter 8 – The Healing Influence**_

Sam returned to the room sometime later. As he opened the door, he called, 'Dean? Mom? You here?' and figured he'd have to be careful doing things like that in case anyone else ever saw him and thought he was crazy when they never saw him with anyone.

'Sammy, you're back.'

'Yeah, Mom. You okay? You on your own?'

'Yeah.'

'Where's Dean?' it was more than just a curiosity, his tone gave away the concern he'd been feeling for his brother.

'He's gone out for a bit. He's trying out a few things, getting used to this, you know.'

'Not really. Is he okay?'

'Sam, I'm sure he will be. He's just not sure of himself at the moment.'

'At the moment? What do you mean at the moment?' the guilt that Sam had felt when he'd realised that Dean was not in fact the confident cocky player he made himself out to be reared its head, reminding him of his gradual realisation over time of the level of Dean's vulnerability through snatches of conversations, when they'd first gone home to Lawrence, when Dean had been dying after the Rawhead, when they'd found the Shtriga but most of all the things he'd said when they'd been hunting Dad and the Demon. 'Mom, you do know it's an act when he's all cocky and arrogant don't you? Dean isn't, I mean, wasn't as confident as he made out. He hides, but I don't know I guess I thought you'd know that.'

'Sam, can you show me? Show me what he was really like?'

'You mean tell you right?'

'No, show me. Think of each event and I'll watch. Imagine you're watching it on TV. I'm going to rest my hands on your temples and I'll be able to see.'

Sam wasn't sure if it was his imagination or if he actually felt his mother's hands at the sides of his head but he followed her instructions and began to think of his brother.

He started with the conversation they'd had in the car the previous day, with his brother's anguished 'How could I have lived with myself if people got killed?' the earlier acceptance of self-blame for his own death. He went back further to the night in the cabin with the Demon. He pictured the way Dean had drawn the Demon's attention away from him, it's smiling accusation that the family hadn't needed Dean, not like Dean needed them, that Dean's bravado masked pain and truth, Dean's mask hadn't slipped and Sam's own realisation that this was not because it didn't exist but because Dean was so used to needing to hold it in place. It was another way of protecting his family, if they didn't know he was hurting, they would carry on doing what they needed. Dean's desperate pleas to their father to not let the Demon kill him and then his protection of his family, sending Sam to check on their father, not letting him kill John to take out the Demon.

'Go back Sammy.'

He remembered the argument he and Dean had had about the Colt before going to rescue their Dad. 'You and Dad are a lot more alike than I thought, you know that. You both can't wait to sacrifice yourself to this thing, but you know what I'm going to be the one to bury you. You're selfish, you know that. You don't care about anything but revenge.' Sam's heart ached with the memory, although it ended up being Dean who died first.

'Further Sam.'

His mind flicked through the events of their lives and Dean's role in them, Dean's confession during the pursuit of the Shtriga, his near death from the Rawhead, his warmth and encouragement in the phone conversation from Burkitsville when Sam had been waiting for the bus, his support of Sam when despite his own reluctance they'd returned to Lawrence, the way he'd pulled Sam from the fire that had taken Jess. He went back further to Dean's support when he'd tried to convince his father to let him go to Stanford, his care and support all through his schooling, through Sam's battles with Dad and before that his own, the times they'd stayed with the Pastor, the little things that Dean had done that put his brother first always.

'Thank you Sam. I understand.'

'You understand what, Mom?'

'Sam, I need to ask you something. I want you to answer my questions truthfully.'

'Right,' Sam was cautious.

'Sam, do you want your brother here with you?'

'Mom, I want him alive, I want him breathing, I want him to have the life he should have had.'

'Sam, we can't do that. Dean's dead, no matter what you say, he's dead.'

'Then yes. Yes, I want him here. Even his ghost is better than nothing. I can't imagine not talking to him. Mom, after you died, it's Dean who brought me up, he showed me how to be a good person. Even when he was doing wrong, he was always doing it to make something else better, to make things better for me, putting something right.'

'Sam, what do you think Dean wants now?'

'Beer, a game of pool and a hot chick.' He shook his head as he said it, it was what Dean would want him to say, not what he would really want, 'He'd really want to protect me and probably Dad as well, to make sure we were safe.'

'Yes. He's coming back now. Make it right Sammy. You know what to do.'

'Is he okay?'

'Hey Mom, Sammy. What're you doing? I've been down the road, there's a park and there's this really hot chick just sitting there in the sun. Awesome!'

'Dean, I didn't teach you to treat young ladies like that or to speak about them like that.'

'Mom, I was too young to be looking at women and appreciating the view.'

'Baby, if we were talking about anyone else I'd agree with you but I'm pretty sure you were born with an eye for the ladies and knowing how to flirt. As soon as you could smile, women were swooning and you were taking advantage of it.'

'Mom, how can you say that?'

'I've never known a little boy who liked hugs like you did. Then it was pie, or sweets or juice or well anything you could see your way to getting really. It hardly ever failed.'

'Well, it would be a shame to waste an opportunity.'

Sam smiled. Dean sounded more like himself than he had first thing that morning.

'Dean? Fancy a road trip?'

'Sure, where are we going? Not to see Dad, right?'

Sam knew that even now, Dean would look out for him. Revenge, killing his father wasn't going to achieve anything, in truth he wasn't going to feel better about it afterwards, Dean was right. The best he could hope for now was to forge a life of his own and take Dean along for the ride. 'No, not to see Dad. Not unless that's what you want?'

'Nah. I can go check on him anytime. We should chill. Where did you have in mind?'

There was just one last thing, he needed to be sure of, 'Mom, I know Dean doesn't want me to go to see Dad. What do you think?'

'I think he's right, honey.'

Dean smiled. For the first time in more than 20 years, he could see all his family when he wanted and he had made sure they were all safe for now. He knew it wouldn't necessarily last, but he also knew they wouldn't hurt each other; he and Mom would make sure of that. In time Dad and Sam would join them and then they could be the family they were supposed to be before the Demon came. But for now, Dean was happy to wait, there was no rush.

* * *

_**Author's Final Note:** If you've got this far, I'd like to thank you for sticking with the story through to the end. This is my longest story to date which has dealt with one set of events (asopposed to jumping around from event to event or person to person)so I would love to know what you thought (framed constructively if it's not good! I need to know how to improve!) Best wishes to you all. Morning Sunlight._


End file.
